I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
