need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
