I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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