i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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