Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm too high and old for this...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
