Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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