I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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