Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
