We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
