Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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