I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
