The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
