True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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