You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
