I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
