i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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