His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
