I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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