You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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