Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
