i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
