He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
