i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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