When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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