We named our party play list daddy issues
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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