im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You smell like a Billy Joel song
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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