he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
