my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
