i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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