Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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