Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Randomize