yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
