if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
