You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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