I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
