I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
