Duck Duck Cougar?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
