she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
you never un-have a 4some
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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