Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
