omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
this is an emotional support booty call
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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