I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
