You smell like stripper and shame
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
