I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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