there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
