as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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