So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
