That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
