tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
