Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
