and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize