The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
