you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize