Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
