i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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