I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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