I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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