you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
His hands were made for my vagina.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
